Poems #6 – #10

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#6 Parenting

“Close your mouth, you little shit!”
Bill shouted at Tony, his youngest son.
The dentist glared at Bill angrily,
And continued working on the little boy’s tooth.

#7 Iron Bru

Today, I drank some Iron Bru,
And I died a little inside.


#8 Abdicating
Prince Charles watched the Channel 5 news
And learnt that Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands had abdicated her queenship,
Allowing her son to become the new king.
Charles glanced over at his mother,
Who solemnly shook her head,
And returned to completing her Su-doku.


#9 Worm

Whilst defending his castle in the back garden,
Young Adam stumbled across a new species of worm.
He ran inside and informed his father,
Who was too busy watching Loose Women to acknowledge him.
Days later, young Adam received a letter from Blue Peter, the popular television show
(This was the early 2000s, after all).
Young Adam knew that this was his moment of fame.
He bought new boots, jeans and a jumper from Next.
But when he went on the show, it turned out that his worm had died,
For worms do not live as long as you or I.
Young Adam soiled himself in embarrassment and was presented with a round Blue Peter badge
(which everyone knows aren’t as good)
And an out of date sighed poster of John Leslie.

#10 Bath

Friday night meant that Gerard did not have work tomorrow,
And so, after a long day of giving tours at the Natural History Museum to hyperactive year 5s,
Gerard treated himself to a warm bubble bath.
After waiting approximately 4 minutes to obtain the optimum amount of water,
Gerard stripped off his groggy clothes and sank into luxury.
He loved the way the bubbles (which were the product of the revolutionary idea to mix bubble bath and shower gel together) fizzed as the soap graced their presence.
He loved how the water sloshed backwards and forwards, invoking in Gerard nostalgic thoughts of his youth.
Unfortunately, Gerard was a slightly overweight 50-something man,
And as such had limited control over his bowels.
He let out a bubbly fart, simultaneously disgusting himself and corrupting the bath.
Gerard got out and went to bed in a huff.


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